Bar Etiquette

Even a sloppy drunk can have some class. And just to be clear – I’m usually not the sloppy drunk. Maybe that’s the first rule of bar etiquette; know when to go home! But let’s be honest – plenty of people are assholes long before the sweet nectar of alcohol hit’s their lips. Here’s to not being one of them.

A little tact can go a long way on a busy night in pubtown. First of all, wait your friggin’ turn. A bartender should serve one group of patrons at a time (you aren't at a keg party). Get a feel for the place and find a spot that will get you noticed without barging in between other patron’s. Don’t be the monkey-boy who screams for an order of four beers and four shots between a quiet couple holding hands. Once you find a spot your next step should be to make direct eye contact with the bartender. Do not raise a 20 dollah bill in the air and waive it around like a stripper who just peeled off her stockings. Don’t flail or yell like you fell down a well. Stare that bartender down until they know you are there, you’ll get a slight nod, and then you can go back to watching the game or working on your pick-up lines. When the bartender does get to you, know exactly what you want. Bars are actually pretty good about displaying all of what they serve right there in front of your face. Check the taps, see what bottles they have and scan the top shelf for your mistresses favorite gin. There’s nothing wrong with asking a question or two, but don’t leave the bartender hanging if other people are waiting. See what you’re doing – you are telling the bartender “I’m a good customer and you’ll probably get a nice tip from me”. I also like to throw the bartender a bigger than normal tip after the first round (even if I’m using a credit card, I always have some cash when I go into a bar). I tip well, but I don’t go overboard, I don’t want the bartender thinking I’m mister money bags the next time I show up.

Congratulations…you’ve got your drink. Now where are you going to enjoy that tasty libation? No, no no…not right there in front of the bar, seriously now, move away from the bar after you have received your cocktail. If you want to drink at the bar get there earlier or patiently wait for a seat. Otherwise – find a cozy corner if you’re with a date or stake out a big piece of real estate if you’re with a group of people. Respect other people’s space. I have a tendency to hold my ground when things get busy, and if your glass of wine hits my elbow I could care less, hope you like stains.

If things are a little slower please remember that the place is not your own private Idaho (unless you are the owner). That whole thing with bartender’s being your therapist – that was before everyone had therapists. It’s not wrong to have a conversation with your bartender; you just have to know when to let go, man. Maybe the person next to you needs to get something off their chest too, that way the bartender can stock the coolers and do their job before it gets too late. If the bartender is being really nice to you and you think you’re going to get lucky, before you embarrass everyone involved please try internet dating, or at least start with a waitress or busboy. Bartenders work on tips, the nicer they are the more tips they get (theoretically) – please refrain from trying to get in their pants just because one smiled at you.

And one last thing: when it’s last call and you are done with your drink – go home (or at least someone else’s home).